I remember everything. The nurse whispered...I'm sorry, she's gone...and my knees buckled. I wanted so much to scream out. I wanted to fall down and beat my fists into the floor. That moment stays with me forever. Ma mere est morte. I knew that the day would come when my beautiful mother wouldn't be able to be strong anymore, and I had thought about it so much, but nothing could prepare me for the crushing moment when I heard those words. My mother was gone. My wonderful mum. Gone.
It was five months yesterday.
She's still with me.
Does it get any easier?
Do I want to get any easier?
I miss her so much.
I love you, mum.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Ooooooooooooooh MY GOD I AM SO PISSED OFF!
Fucking little cunting fucking slutty bitch faced whore!
So, someone who I would class as a friend came on to Joe on Saturday night. I want to kill the fucking slag.
She is such a two faced slut, and this is not the first time she has done this to me or to others. This is it. That girl has issues.
My feelings for Joe...she knew exactly how I felt. She knows how difficult I find relationships. And the fact that we had spoken about my feelings for him literally hours before she offered him no strings sex just really rubs it in.
So, someone who I would class as a friend came on to Joe on Saturday night. I want to kill the fucking slag.
She is such a two faced slut, and this is not the first time she has done this to me or to others. This is it. That girl has issues.
My feelings for Joe...she knew exactly how I felt. She knows how difficult I find relationships. And the fact that we had spoken about my feelings for him literally hours before she offered him no strings sex just really rubs it in.
Hmmm.
First blog entry in months. Sorry about that. So, another year is over and a new one is beginning, and predictably, I can't stop crying. All men are arseholes. Dan finished with me a few weeks after mum died. No surprise there, really. Met someone else (Joe). But unfortunately, I am an emotional retard and so me and Joe are getting no where fast...I almost feel as if it was over before it began. As soon as he got too close and I started to get feelings for him, I ran away.
The situation isn't being helped by the fact that me and Dan are still living together. Seperate rooms, but it's still hard sometimes.
The fundamental issue with all this is that on the other end of the scale, I am terrified of being alone. It makes me feel unloved, worthless and so so lonely. All around me I see these bloody happy couples, and all I can think is 'Why the hell am I incapable of doing that?' and so I seek out a relationship, only to push them away once they get too close.
So, I need to learn to first be alone. Then I need to learn to not run away.
God, I'm so confused...
Not crying anymore though :-S
The situation isn't being helped by the fact that me and Dan are still living together. Seperate rooms, but it's still hard sometimes.
The fundamental issue with all this is that on the other end of the scale, I am terrified of being alone. It makes me feel unloved, worthless and so so lonely. All around me I see these bloody happy couples, and all I can think is 'Why the hell am I incapable of doing that?' and so I seek out a relationship, only to push them away once they get too close.
So, I need to learn to first be alone. Then I need to learn to not run away.
God, I'm so confused...
Not crying anymore though :-S
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