Hello, again.

Went to visit my best friend-slash-worst enemy today. Oddly enough, he is also called Dan. There seems to be a pattern of Dans here. Although, I do I think I may be allergic to them.



Anyway, this particular Dan is a cunt. But I love him. Not in the romantic love way, but in a more complex mash of emotionally fucked up situations and habitual drug abuse. At one point, he was my world, my everything, and my painstakingly unrequited love. Last year, I was a mess. Constantly taking drugs, getting into fights and contemplating suicide. And Dan was my partner in crime. He rode the come ups and come downs with me, he cut me and I cut him, we hid away from reality together. Then I made the catastrophic mistake of falling in love with him. It was 6 months of absolute hell. It took a fucking lot of vodka, numerous agonising conversations and a hefty dose of that horrible reality thing for me to realise that we just would not work out in a relationship. So fast forward another year or so...



I'm at home. My mobile rings. It's Paul.

'Dan's crashed his bike...it's fucking bad. You need to come to the hospital'

I have never been so terrified of losing someone in all my life. Dan was there, all wired up to a life support machine. He's surrounded by doctors, who are pulling all this messed up stringy red shit out of his left leg, which we later learned were tendons. He nearly died that day. Seeing your best friend, someone you have loved so much, lying there like that. It's so scary.

He survived though. He is minus a leg, all the muscle died and they had to amputate, and he has lost the use of his left arm due to nerve damage....but he's alive. This was two months ago. Writing this now, I can't help but feel that I'm glad I love him, and he says he loves me, in our own fucked up little ways. I think the kind of love we have is the best kind. It's complex, it's deep and at times it's been bloody painful. And I'd rather have that than to have never loved him at all. We have been through so much together, we have destroyed each other over and over again, and yet we're still...we're still.....whatever we are, I guess.